Agony Andy

As you all know, the Chicago Outfit is one big family of happy, pretty roller skaters.  This past December, just before our 2011 season began, the family doubled in size.  This year’s recruitment brought in more rookie skaters than the Outfit has ever seen!  Since the league has an “everybody-plays-on-an-active-roller-derby-team-against-other-leagues-and-teams” policy, the league had to make some changes.  There was not enough room for all of the skaters to play for The Syndicate or Shade Brigade, so we created (ta-dahhhh) The Shakedown!

The Chicago Outfit Shakedown!

The Shakedown is the league’s “C-team,” set up so that all of our league members can have real bouting experience.  Coached by Syndicate skaters Smashley Destructo and Valerie of the Dolls, we are an excited and energetic group of rookie to intermediate-level skaters.  The Shakedown is a travel team, just like The Syndicate and Shade Brigade, so we will be playing other C-teams from the Midwest for the rest of this season, and it’s likely we will have a full season of bouts in 2012! On Sunday, July 10, The Shakedown had its first game against the St Louis Rookie Rivals.  After a long double header the day before (Syndicate kicked butt! Read the DNN recap here!), we were ready to take on the Rivals bright and early at 10am at Fleetwood Roller Rink.  After a motivational team breakfast and some pep talks from the coaches, the game began!

Shakedown team meeting with coach Smashley Destructo before the first bout against St. Louis Rookie Rivals

To be honest, it was pretty rocky.  (I personally spent most of my time as a jammer in the box…)  For many of the girls on the Shakedown, it was our first bout, (ever!)   Nerves were all over the place, and it was a change of pace to hipcheck strangers!

As a jammer, I never scored, and was sent to the box twice! There's always room for improvement. (Photo credit DT Kindler)

The Rivals were a tough team, with quick jammers and strong blockers, but we put up a fight.  As a brand new team (we had not even practiced as a team before!) our goal was togetherness, communication and teamwork.

Rude E. Huxtable, Ghoulita, Heleanor Throosevelt, and Sinsinnasty wall up in an excellent defense strategy. (Photo credit: Shoot to Kill)

We fought until the end, never looking at the scoreboard.  We had many successful executions of great game strategy, as well as some awesome individual feats of strength! Rude E. Huxtable gave some wicked hits and was a stall blocker for the books, and Lemmy Destroyer and Heleanor Throosevelt racked up points as jammers!  We lost pretty badly…(The final score was 71-180) and we racked up the penalties, but it was a learning experience for all of us.

Scream Printer stall blocks a jammer like a pro.

What I learned as a new skater is that when the clock starts, the game goes FAST! It feels like time flies, and it sure is hard to get your brain and body to sync up when you’re in the moment!  I learned how awesome it feels to see your teammates kick butt, especially the ones that have only learned to roller skate this past winter.  I also learned that scrimmaging against our own league is a great way to toughen up, since nobody is scarier than the Chicago Outfit Syndicate. Our next bout is August 26: an away game against the Quad City Rollers of Iowa.  The Shakedown is now practicing as a team, so we’re ready to kick some rollerbooty when we get to town!     If you know a rookie team, startup league, or other opponents for the Chicago Outfit Shakedown, contact our interleague coordinator, Bloody Elle and let’s set up a play date!

Busty Brokeher, Loka In-Motion and Rude E. Huxtable: ready for action!

The women of the Chicago Outfit have been BUSY! June has been a huge month for us, and it’s not over yet!  In the past few weeks, the Syndicate and Shade Brigade painted their faces and travelled to Nebraska to play the Omaha Rollergirls and the No Coast Derby Girls from Lincoln.  Earlier this month, some of our rookie gals (including myself) skated at the video-game themed Stateline Roller Derby Divas Mixer in Beloit Wisconsin.  Last weekend we spent some time in Nashville, skating in a hard-hitting, “magical” double header against the Music City Roller Girls. (Watch the Syndicate take on the Music City All Stars on DNN!)

The Chicago Outfit Syndicate sport lucky-mustaches at No Coast, NE

We’ve been super busy off skates as well!  As most of our fans know, the Chicago Outfit is not only a killer sports league, but we are also a charitable organization. We donate lots of time and dollars to events and causes that benefit women and the LGBT community.

Earlier this month, some of our gals skated in Slutwalk Chicago, a march intended to dispel myths about “the slut” and promote education about the culture of victim blaming around sexual assault and rape.  Among other fantastic groups and individuals, our favorite Chicago Lesbian blog, The L Stop was in attendance documenting the event.  They posted photos of some of our skaters, calling the Chicago Outfit “super active and ready for change.”

Ivanna Riot and I at Slutwalk Chicago (photo: The L Stop)

Queerer Park, a monthly LGBT dance party organized and DJ’ed by one of our very own skaters, Barbara Butch, teamed up with The Chicago Outfit at Beauty Bar for “Dddderby Dance Party!”  The Outfit ladies danced all night long, and the money raised at the party was donated to our league and to the Illinois Clemency Project for Battered Women.

Chicago Outfit ladies at Queerer Park's "Dddderby Dance Party!" (photo: Glitter Guts)

Our biggest, funnest, gayest and awesomest event of the month is this weekend: Chicago Pride Fest! Our ladies are giddy with excitement!  We’ll be kicking off the weekend with another awesome dance party at Berlin, Thursday at 10pm. (RSVP here)  This is a great chance to meet our skaters and check out our awesome dance moves.

On Sunday, our league, and our favorite junior derby league, the Chicago Riots, will be skating in the Pride Parade! We will be dressed up in rainbows, sparkles, unicorns and smiles, and we have all sorts of fun giveaways for our fans! The streets of Chicago will be wild with energy and girls kissing girls—you really can’t miss it!   When you see us rollin’ down Halsted, you’ll go totally gay for Roller Derby.

Love and Rainbows,

Agony Andy

Does all this sound like something you should be a part of? Join the family! We are holding advanced tryouts next Monday, June 27! (More information here) or contact outfitrecruitment@gmail.com

This Saturday night is the Chicago Outfit’s Home Opener. I. Am. So. Stoked. You should be stoked too, and here are 10 reasons why you should halt everything and show up at the league’s first 2011 bout in sweet home Chicago.

10. If you’ve never been to the roller derby, you don’t even know what you’re missing. Quit being the only lame-o in Chicago who hasn’t enjoyed the athletic spectacle of hot women, short shorts, fast skates and big hits.  Next time someone mentions roller derby, instead of responding “I’ve heard of that…like that movie with Juno?” you can say “Roller derby? You mean like the Chicago Outfit?”  And unlike the roller derby you remember from TV and movies, this violence is ALL REAL.

9. THREE. DOLLAR. BEER. Where can you find drinks for that cheap on a Saturday night in Chicago? I’ll tell you where. The Windy City Fieldhouse.  And have you ever combined beer and Sweet Mary Pain?  You should really try it.

8. NEW Uniforms. Who can resist a woman in uniform? Outfit ladies look good all day, every day, and we look even better in our stylish and sexy new uniforms!  Don’t miss their Chicago debut! Hint: black + spandex.

7. NEW Merch Designs. The Chicago Outfit wants our fans to look as stylish in the stands as we do on the track, so we designed some new shirts that are similar to our uniforms! Put it on and you’ll instantly feel like a part of the Family.  Of course, we will also be have our sexy calendar, awesome logo t-shirts (now available in ladies fitted sizes!), hoodies, buttons and stickers.  A hot Chicago summer is coming quickly, so you probably need some new tank tops and some super useful drink cozies.

6. NEW Charity Partner. This season, the Outfit has paired up with Howard Brown Health Center, one of the largest lesbian, gay, bisexual, and transgender organizations in the nation.  Partial proceeds from all of our home bouts are sent their way, so when you buy a ticket, you not only get to enjoy the amazing sport of roller derby, but you are also helping to eliminate disparities in health care within the LGBT community. Cool, huh?

5. Rock n Roll National Anthem and Hip-Hop Half-time Show. King Sparrow, an awesome asset to Chicago’s music scene will perform the National Anthem.  Unlike Christina Aguilera, singer Eric Georgevich knows all of the words.  The half-time show will knock you off your seat, and will feature dance moves by The Puzzle League Dance Crew and Chicago Onyx Dance Alliance. They move in ways that you’ll have to see to believe…way more exciting than wardrobe malfunctions.

4. DIY Vendors. For this season’s home bouts, we’ve paired up with awesome local artists and DIY vendors who will be selling their wares directly to you!  Buy comics, prints, tees and more and avoid the shipping fees of ordering online.  Here’s a taste of what these folks have to offer:

• http://www.nerfect.com/
• http://www.versedapparel.com/

3. Support the underdogs. The Chicago Outfit has only recently become a member of the Womens Flat Track Derby Association, and we’ve jumped up to ranking 9^th in the Midwest, and number 22 in the WORLD.  That’s right, Chicago’s “derby little secret” ain’t a secret much longer.  Get your tickets now so you can tell your friends “I saw the Outfit before they were national champions.”

2. The Afterparty. There ain’t no party like an Outfit party and the Outfit party don’t stop…. til 4am.  Take the free party bus from the Fieldhouse to the Cobra Lounge and celebrate a good ol’ American victory over Canada.  Meet the Family, give us high fives, and enjoy awesome drink specials. (Did someone say cheap whiskey?) Sure, you’ve seen us skate, but you haven’t experienced the Outfit until you’ve joined us on the dance floor.

1. This is the year of the Outfit. If you’ve seen us play in the past and you think you know what’s in store, think again.  The world of roller derby is talking about us, and you will too. The Syndicate is burning up Derby News Network power rankings, and laying out every team we’ve played this season.  The Shade Brigade redefines what it means to be a “B Team.”  We’re good. We do the damn thing.  And we don’t feel the need to be modest.

Chicago Outfit Home Opener

• Chicago Outfit Syndicate vs Tri-City Rollergirls
• Shade Brigade vs. So Ill Rollergirls

Windy City Fieldhouse, 2367 West Logan Blvd.

Doors at 6:00pm, Bout 7:00.

Locate your local roller girl and pay $15 for presale tickets or $20 at the door. (Bout tickets can also be purchased online and picked up at Will Call).

ALL AGES!

My name’s Agony Andy and I love to rollerskate.  A lot. I was never a speed skater, or a graceful artistic skater. No, I was the dork who threw “Private Parties” in my basement featuring 2 friends, my little brother, a strobe light and one singular Michael Jackson cassette tape on the boom box.  I attended every single skating party my school held at Lynwood Roller Rink, even when I was “too old” in 8^th grade, or when I had the flu and vomited outside of the front door before entering the rink.

After the days when Rollerskating went “out of style,” I had a hard time finding friends to drag to the rink.  Every once in a while I could convince a few people that half-off hot dogs and Top 40 would be their dream come true on a Tuesday night, but more often I was skating alone, either bonding with preteens over our shared Bieber Fever, or blasting Metallica’s Kill Em All in my headphones and seeing if it would make me skate faster. (It did.)

And then: Roller Derby.  Like a beautiful dream come true!

Last summer, I skated in Champaign-Urbana IL, where I met my derby wife, Payne Adams (TCDG).  When I moved to the Chicago area, I contacted Smashley Destructo and asked to be a part of the Outfit.  That was the end of my lonesome days at the rink, and I quickly became a part of the Family.

Joining the Chicago Outfit was like suddenly having whole bunch of really, really cool older sisters.  Being one of the youngest in the league, and a rookie on the track, I love skating with girls that can really show me the ropes, on and off skates.  If the Chicago Outfit was my big sister growing up, I would imagine I’d have had a totally awesome childhood.  Sibling rivalries could be easily settled with a few hipchecks, and I’d have all the benefits of being the little sister of the coolest chicks in Chicago.

The family goes to Medieval Times

I’d probably have been borrowing Lola Blow’s accessories and asking Valerie of the Dolls for dating advice, or Queefer Sutherland for advice on how to be popular. Suzie Crotchrot would give my first beers at a thrash metal show, and we’d call our responsible big sister Rogue for a ride home.  Gaygan and Sweet Mary Pain would be waiting for us on the giant trampoline in Barbara Butch’s living room, staying up late to give us a lecture on “sass, class and dignity.”

It’s probably a good thing that the Outfit wasn’t always my family, since the sheer quantity of fun that we have together would probably have gotten us all arrested by now.

When we aren’t beating up opponents (and each other) on the flat track, we’re out on the town having a blast with our extended family: the fans.  If you spot the Chicago Outfit at an off-skates event, you know you’re in for a great time.  In thepast few months alone we’ve already wrestled in spaghetti, won a mini-basketball “pop-shot” tournament, used power tools while roller skating to build a boot rack, starred in a sexy burlesque show, and cheered on the yellow knight at Medieval Times.

There are so many more super fun off-skates events with Chicago Outfit this season, and they are guaranteed to be a great time.  Come to a family get together and see for yourself!  Dance with Cece Painiston and Maul E Hatchet, or have a shot with Bloody Elle at the bar.  Or hang out with me, Agony Andy, I’d love to show you how my sisters roll.